Once again I didn't blogged for one month. Was busy studying and facebook-ing and enjoying my hols =). Anyway, I'm going back to Malacca this sat/sun and it's till tuesday to start my first dreadful new sem..new class. Results out probably thurs or friday. Many were nervous but I'm just totally numb towards this feeling. Trying to enjoy my holiday to the max first is my main priority that I promised myself once before starting of sem break. With a few days left and my dad "stole" my car away, I'm left at home everyday. bored and gaining fats everyday. Now I've balloon up a lot I suppose. My face is so round plus with my hair cut, it looks even more rounder. I looked like those 80's or 90's old fashion people. >.< Just a short update for now =)




Comparing. In this world, we always compared when we have different alternatives. To see it on the bright side, it's good as we can learn from our deficiencies and improve ourselves. The darker side, it's breaks a person's morale. Take a look at this video.



I like the part the most when the girl ask why is she different from others and the man replied why do we have to be like others. It really jolts me awake. Sometimes when we try to join a group or try to familiarized yourself with the environment, we tend compare yourself with the most popular and try to imitate him/her as we expect to receive the same attention like the person you imitated. This is so wrong. Watching this make me realize that just be yourself and hope that people will recognize you. It doesn't matter if that person don't acknowledge you or what but you just act in a way that suits you.

I used to being compared in study with my cousins. My parents loved to do that and when we did badly, they would often say " Why can't you be like your cousin's get straight A's?" This, is Malaysian culture. Kiasu-ness. If I were a parents, I would rather not compare instead give them a little encouragement and ask them to perform better. After all the hardwork, who would prefer to hear a criticism and being comparing?

The other is when in a relationship. For example you go after a girl who previously broke up with his bf. They way you treated her is different from the ex and oftenly she would uttered words like " My ex is don't treat me like this but why you do?" or "We knew each other so long and he treated me much more sweeter than you do." I hate this comparison especially when that person say they don't compare but in fact they do. If I would really lose patient when being said this, I would straight say in their face " Why don't you go back to ur ex and why accepting me at first place?" but the problem is I'm not attached..>.<..haha..but seriously being compared at this situation really sucks.

So, I'll try to change. Being back myself and not trying to be what I'm not meant to be. This word will be a part of me. Why should you be the same as others?




I'm sleepy!. After rushing all assignments and mid terms, finally it's study week. Have not studied so far instead I've sleeped for almost the whole day. Yesterday I slept for almost 10 hours and today almost 11 hours. After so much sleep, I'm still feeling sleepy =(. I kept complain sleepy and my mom called me just now asking me why I so sleepy. She thought I'm going to die! After vitamins and all I've eaten and still sleepy. Haha..MMU kills people slowly! First make students not enough sleep then make them rush assignments and study so much. Lastly, create financial problem by even barring from exam when your statement is RM 20. MMU!!..haihhh..










The last time I wrote a post on mother's day, I dump this blog for 2 months. This time I wrote a post on father and some people asked whether will I dump for another 2 months again?Haha..funny people. So today was the eve of the Merdeka eve. Holiday will be for 3 days straight and everyone went back..except for me =(

Immediately after BET mid term today, everyone particulary just "flew" away back and left the poor thing me alone at home. Luckily I have some friends such as Joanne Chin, Jessie Chin, Lee Wei, Siang Siang Ah Hang & a few of them asked me out for lunch together. Thank god or I'll die of loneliness. Seriously, 3 days at home alone without a single soul talking to me can make me go mad!

I even shop around Jusco myself today to cure some boredom. But then, tons of assignments needed to be settle. So I'm now accompanied by Hum Hum, my blue proton saga and some ppl say the "Oi..now-what-month?-Don't-scare-me-pls" thing.=X

Back to my assignments. Hope Jason come back and won't find me died due to boredom and loneliness =)




Today's BOB tutorial class required us to write an essay about the person I liked most and why? Wasn't in a good mood and I decided write about my dad. I've been overshadowing my dad's side of story for too long but focused on my mom more instead. So today while writing an essay, I remembered what my dad has done to me. How he grew me up. Writing this in class was really not a nice time as I recalled it back, I realised what he's done to me was for my own good but I got the wrong message and treated it negatively. Half way through and I found out that my tears was about to flow. So I end it up short and decided not to write anymore.

So here's the story, for my future reference perhaps when I will be a father or when my father has long left me. Born in the family as the youngest son I am. Most of my works were guided by my mother during my pre-school but most of the time my dad would monitor me closely. After graduating from pre-school, my mom has some family problem and I was fully guided by my dad. As my dad emphasizes a lot on calculations as he do not want both of his son's to be cheated in future, I was trained to memorize multiplication at the age of 6. I remembered when the first time he asked me to memorize it, he was being lenient to me.

As time passes by, I took it for granted and didn't memorize it well. One day, he said that after so long of memorizing, for each mistake I've done, I'll be caned. I thought he was joking and so when I said it wrongly for the first multiplication, I was caned. Feeling shocked, I realised he was serious this time and tried to recall everything back but was unable. I remembered that was my worst caning as I sat on the floor while my father sat on the stairs with the hand upstreched waiting to land it on my back. At the end of it, I couldn't even finish memorize the multiplication of 2 and I end up having lots of cane mark at my back. I went to baby sitter house the next day and while changing to my uniform, some little kids laughed at me for the cane mark I have on my back.

Everyday, at the exact 10a.m I would be scared. My father's voice when he called my name was enough to make me shook terribly. He would sit on the stairs and holding the cane while he gave me 5 minutes to memorize everything before asking me to turn my back on the huge chart and start to memorize. For every mistake I've done, I'm caned. Each time I couldn't remember, the harder it gets. I've silently cried a few times. After 3 months, I've completely memorized my multiplication. I did it but in a way painful way. This is why my multiplication is good. The fear of being caned and scar.

As I grow up, my dad guided me solely on maths as this was the only subject he was good in. I remembered at the age of 12 he guided me for a complete 2 days on weekend for 2 months continuously for my UPSR and he guided me for 12 hours for two days for PMR. The bearing part, where I had to draw and find the degree was the one I'll never forget. I remembered how he taught me to draw, how he even slapped me for drawing wrongly n threw everything on the floor for unable to do what he expected me to do. He would first patiently guide me, then ask me to do by myself and repeat it over and over again. Then at the end, he would test me again on what I've learned.

After PMR, I was a young adult then and he never disciplined me but more towards in advicing. He would still guide me in maths and this explains why I never fail to get A for my maths in major exams and finals. With all the slap, all the caning I've received, how I grew up was through how much pain I've suffered and how I learned from it. Sometimes, even after a tiring day out working, he would still come back and teach me. And being the youngest with a bad temper, I would always scold him whenever he came late to fetch me from my babysitter not knowing the routine he faced day to day.

There was once an incidence where my dad got hit by a lorry and his car plunged down into the ravine. He thought he was going to die and he prayed to god. He told me and my mom that he said he don't want to die yet as he does not want my mom to suffer in bringing us up and he wanted to see both his son to be a successful person. Thankfully he was safe after that. Even till now, he's still out there in his fragile old body working hard to see me graduate and possibly take over his business. At times, I still vent my frustration at my dad but now, living outside of house and living alone makes me think about how naive and unconsiderate I am towards my dad. I might complain how hot the weather is but the whole complain is gone once I entered class but think about what my dad suffered out there is totally different. No matter rain or shine, how hot or cold, he still ran around in his 12 year old wira car to make sales.

I will remember the image of him, running from the car to the customer's workshop and back to car all drenched. All for the sake of earning RM 20 plus in sales. I asked him why? He said "Son, doing sales is never easy. Even for RM 20 and drenched in wet, it's worth it as long as my son and wife does not go hungry." I kept silent for a moment. Now 20 years of age we've been together. I would say my relationship with my father is way much better than with my mother although sometimes I would argue with my father. Most of the time when I'm back, I would make it an effort to go out with my father once in a while or offer to drive after he come back from a tired day of working.

But lately, I've been stuck in a problem. It was like a huge barrier and I was left not knowing what to do. My father would always remind me about not getting too much involved in love but I didn't care a lot as I wanted to learn things. So now, I found myself having a deep crush on a person but unable to move on with life. Pa, I'm sorry to have disappoint you, I'll try to do my best in study and over come this problem. Sometimes I wish you could have slap me or caned me now even though it humiliates me but I think its better to humuliate me that seeing me in the wrong path of road. This is the essay I wanted to write. This is my actual relationship between me and me dad. Who I am today, what characteristic I have (except those bad which are influenced by friends) are mostly taught by my father.




Forgiving--is one simple way or accepting the wrong people had done to you,acknowledge their mistake and forget the wrong they've done to you even though it hurts. But this act is simply hard some some people to carry out even though the mistakes are small or big.

10th of August - 16th of August 2009 marks the most horrible week I've endured so far. Had lots of meeting and assignments were piling up and the urgency to solve was high. Everyone needed me to solve this fast and solve that fast. So I had to rushed and complete for them. Little from I know, the problems I had is now getting more and more serious. I wonder what had gone wrong. I tried to talk out the problems but got ignored. Every method I tried! Called, Sms-ed, Facebooked..none answered nor replied.

I had 3 hours slepts today. Woke up and went out with my mom to Pasar Borong and yes, I drove in the sleepy condition but hey I'm not like totally sleepy. Just slow in walking and reaction. Like a zombie. Came back around 10 and went back to sleep immediately. I kept had nightmare and softly whispered out her name but I don't know whether when I was sleeping, I did called her name out loud.

Guess now I'm partially disillusion. A person's level of ignoring could be so high that every mean ways of trying to communicate was brought down and nothing could reach her. Previously with another person, whenever I had problems, I refused to discuss nor talk. Just vent my frustration and anger and end up shattering the relationship. This time, I'm ready to talk but got rejected. I just didn't want things to go this way.

Sigh, life's complicated. I don't know whether she could be reading this or not but I just wanted to say, I don't want anything else to happen yet except just being friends. This feeling of being ignored is really making me frustrated and I tend to release my frustration on others without the intention of doing it. Like I sarcastically said out a person's weakness in front of everyone in the group meeting. SHIT! I knew I shouldn't do that. It's bad especially for my evaluation of group members later. If forgiving a person could be so hard, then it's even harder for god to forgive you for the mistakes you had done. Like from what I've heard from Christian's teaching, God forgive us so that we can forgive others for the mistakes they have done.

Some may say I'm thinking too much but seeing things now. I think the best way is to just let everything go. If talking can't work, the only way is to wish that person all the best even though how relunctant I am. I'm just too weak now. Might try to take some sleep again.

Mon Nom est Josh
Je suis etudie a'l Universite Multimedia
J'ai 20 ans

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